SAMPLE APPLICATION ESSAY

Below are before and after versions of a student’s essay with comments.

Prompt: Virtually all of Babson’s undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate — and us — know you better.

STUDENT’S DRAFT

First, I am very easy to get along with anyone. I am very sociable and amenable; I truly cannot think of anyone that I dislike and can’t think of anyone who dislikes me, so thus, I will be an ideal roommate no matter what kind of characteristic my roommate is looking for! It is much more important to show respect for people then to have common interests. For example, what if we like the same films? It will be fine when a film is running but afterward it will not matter if we are rude at the heart of it. Sometimes you cannot choose who to spend time with, because it happens just by chance that you are near and have interactions, as with a next-door neighbor. Still, these relationships have an affect on you, and so I think it is logical to have good relationships in your home life if you want your whole life to be calm and tranquil. This is why my roommate might be worried, but I hope he will relax because he can expect friendliness and an agreeable person.

I am so agreeable and understanding of others that I have often been called upon to mend broke relationships between my high school friends. My friendliness goes very deep and it is real. Some people care about what they can take from a person in a greedy way, but I like to be friends because of what I see inside. People are a good species, I believe. I am definitely a great listener so I will be available anytime that my roommate needs someone to talk to! I often think of myself as the designated mood maker of any group that I am a part of. Another characteristic that makes me such an idealistic roommate is that I am exceptionally flexible.

Sleeping habits would be an example of my flexibility. While I usually like to go to bed late at night and rise late in the morning, I could definitely attempt to change if my roommates’ sleeping patterns are different. I have often heard that roommates quarrel about their sleeping schedule, but with me, such argument is unlikely to arise. Food preferences are another issue with which roommates often argue. I am only too happy to try anything that won’t eat me first. In my seventeen years of trying all different types of food in the U.S. and Japan, the only food that I have never found agreeable is raw clams. Unless raw clams are the only thing that my roommate eats, I will be more than happy to share the food. Also I do not run when my allergies are strong but otherwise I like to be outside doing any activities.

I look forward to beginning my “new life” as a college student. I will be a serious but fun roommate who keeps up hobbies like tennis and soccer, video games and electric and acoustic guitar. Although classes will be challenging and I will need to make adjustments from my somewhat sheltered high school life, I welcome this next stage in my life. I am extremely eager to start my undergraduate education at Babson with my roommate and can only hope that he shares my enthusiasm.

OUR COMMENTS ON THE STUDENT’S DRAFT

Some areas that are especially in need of improvement include the essay’s overall structure, grammar, and word choices. However, the student has clearly given the essay prompt some thoughtful consideration. Here are some of his strengths and some ways that we’ll build upon them:

• The student’s draft shows an attempt to logically organize a response. Adding an introduction and reorganizing the ideas will better highlight his thought process.
• The student’s critical thinking skills are evident in his conscious decision to emphasize respectfulness rather than specific interests when considering information that should matter to a new roommate. Also, the student’s acknowledgment that his future roommate might be worried hints at his mature perspective-taking skills. Reorganization and better word choices will help to highlight these qualities.
• Although some of his sentences are run-ons, the student has drafted a nice variety of sentence structures to build upon.

FINAL VERSION OF THE APPLICATION ESSAY

A favorite English word of mine, “propinquity,” describes the situation of new college roommates. They might not have met under other circumstances, but living in close quarters promotes meaningful interaction – for better or for worse! The mystery surrounding an unmet roommate can obviously instill anxiety. Nonetheless, my future roommate can rest assured that I am friendly, accommodating, and eager to enjoy life as a Babson student.

Most students describe themselves as friendly, but we aren’t all describing the same set of motivators and behaviors. What does my friendliness look like? It is genuine. It stems from my general approach to life: I strive to find the positive sides of every person, and the good that I find inspires my willingness to make connections and overcome differences. As a result, I enjoy excellent friendships and, as far as I know, have no enemies besides summertime pollen and certain seafood. In fact, my high school friends frequently seek me out as a confidante and as someone who can help bridge their differences. My freshman roommate could similarly feel comfortable talking with me about whatever was on his mind, whether it were homework, his personal life, or something related to my own behavior.

If my own behavior ever caused discomfort, then I would most likely change. That’s why I’ve also described myself as accommodating. I’m flexible about when to rise and rest, where to study, and how loudly to play music. This doesn’t mean that I’m a pushover; I’m just flexible. I have heard of roommates who quarrel about their sleeping schedules, cleanliness, and other issues related to sharing space – but these quarrels seem silly to me. Life is too short for squabbling; showing mutual respect and a willingness to compromise is an excellent alternative.

In conclusion, a future roommate might care to know whether I enjoy playing video games and guitars (I do), and which sports I’m involved in (soccer and tennis). But I believe that our outlooks on life and the way we treat one another are much more important than our overlapping or separate interests. I look forward to starting my undergraduate studies and making new friends, and I hope that my new roommate shares my enthusiasm.

OUR COMMENTS ON THE FINAL VERSION

The polished final version effectively presents the admissions committee with the student’s personal philosophy. The final version shows stronger organizational structure, a smoother progression of ideas, improved syntax, and more captivating word choices. Some specific differences between the two versions include:

• The first draft is missing an introduction; it launches rights into the student’s arguments. The final version follows the classic essay format of opening with a more general statement – in this case, musing about human interactions – and narrowing that broad statement to the specific question at hand.
• The student’s draft uses somewhat awkward English. In the final version, phrases such as “I am very easy to get along with anyone” have been reworded.
• Common spelling mistakes (i.e., then instead of than, affect instead of effect) have been eliminated in the final version.
• Run-on sentences have been eliminated from the final version.
• The essay’s organization has been reworked to highlight the student’s reasoning. Each paragraph of the body is now devoted to one main idea. Continuity of thought has been maintained with transitional words and sentences. For instance, paragraph #2 ends with a comment about behavior, and paragraph #3 continues that thread. The final paragraph begins with a transition, too. Overall, the final version responds to the university’s prompt with impressive insight and coherence.